Ready? (In other news, everyone needs to hear Nick Cave's version of. "Stagger Lee," it's totally filthy and awesome) Anyone in Pittsburgh can tell you that the temperature can currently be described as "swamp-ass hot." Whilst waiting to go in, Gina and I toured the vast cultural offerings of Millvale, PA, including a Family Dollar, a closed cafe and diner (I mean my god, it's 7:00pm, why would you be open? This is another one of my favorite things about Pittsburgh), and an exotic bird supply store (also closed). Yeah, Your guess is as good as mine about that last one. We finally go in and find that the air-conditioner is practically non-existent and what cool air is available is not-so-subtly mixed with the acrid smell of cooked meats. This seems to be TOTALLY the kind of thing that Gina and I were referencing when we said, "cultural events."
Anyway, we're sweaty and sitting through a very sub-par opening woman that seemed nice and probably tore-up some karaoke in her hometown. Throughout these festivities, a couple named Mike and Tina/Tiffany(names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent), repeatedly accosted Gina and I (well, mostly Gina. I was trying really hard to be unfriendly) chatting about their celebrity lookalikes (Tina/Tiffany said that people likened her to Sarah Jessica Parker. This made me think of the line in Family Guy when Peter said that SJP's face looks like a foot), if they should try to go upstairs to sit in the VIP section, etc....all the while getting drunker and invading everyone's personal space. Finally Mike compliments Gina on her ability to pull off a short haircut and I look at Tina/Tiffany, who seems more lucid at this moment, like, "get your frat-boy boyfriend away from me." She storms off and is mad because Mike was putting the moves on Gina and (apparently) I was giving her a signal about it. Wow. Finally, a lovelorn Mike returns, sans Tina/Tiffany, and starts chatting with Gina about how he's not ready for a serious relationship. Ummmm...I'm just trying to watch some Neko Case. Finally, Gina and I say that he should probably GO and try to apologize to Tina/Tiffany, to which he says, "What, are you lesbians or what?!" Is this supposed to be a derogatory remark in response to suggesting that you make amends with your girlfriend...that you brought here....on a date?
I pull a wonderful employee of the venue aside and he whisks us through a forbidden door to the very back of the venue and away from the psychological drama of Mike and Tina/Tiffany. Relief! Ah, not so fast... At this point, this adventure has already gotten a little heavy. I start fantasizing about Nick Cave suddenly bursting out onto stage and flipping a switch that would dump ice water on everyone in the crowd while he rips the microphone away and does a total unexpected version of, "Stagger Lee." Gina and I chat and laugh about a possible sighting of an ex, when this dude turns around and snaps, "We came here to hear her sing, not you talk." ADMITTEDLY, we were chatting. Admittedly, she was singing. Here's where I'm a little confused. If you're the biggest Neko Case fan that ever lived, you'd think that you'd find a different place to stand then the very back of the venue by the employee coats. That's why I wanted to stand there...as not to ruin anyone's experience with my general chatting and half-listening. Not only that, but you'd probably be more interested in her than your phone, which you were repeatedly checking because by the look of your totally hip white tennis shoes, white socks and weekender plaid shirt, I can venture that you're probably not a Doctor dashing off to deliver a baby. You would probably be so avid that you would be standing in the front, instead of wrapped around a beer bottle by the, "employees only sign." I mean, my gawd your love for Neko Case must only be surpassed by your love for french-kissing a Yuengling. I get that you're probably emasculated in every aspect of your life, but maybe save your repressed masculinity for chopping firewood, arm-wrestling or manicuring your middle-aged man beard.
With all this being said (and believe me, I love saying it), I'm totally okay with you asking us not to talk, but you could probably be nicer about it: a thought that Gina mentioned to him. In fact, I would also venture to bet that if Gina and I were outfitted with penii you wouldn't have said anything...at all. What's weird about this whole experience is while Neko Case goes on and on about her boyfriends or the sunsets or whatever the fuck she's talking about and these people are wearing wheat-coloured clothes and looking generally like granola yuppies, I have this revelation that maybe they're not really there to relax and listen to this woman at all. They're hear to find a partner, to be "aht on the tahn," to demean and verbally abuse women...whatever. I've had more respectful experiences at metal clubs with men outfitted in combat boots and devil spikes. Maybe everyone should have a health dose of Ministry in their lives, work some shit out in their minds, and then they wouldn't be so apt to be total yuppie fucks. Mostly, I blame this on the heat...as if I needed more ammunition for why summer totally blows goats.
When I ask Dustin if he wants to go somewhere. Really, anywhere...he always says, "Why would I want to do that?" I always used to think that he was just being socially awkward introverted, but fuck...maybe he's onto something.
If you need me, I'll be in front of the air-conditioner with a book.