A Buzzfeed Community member posted the 10 funniest Smiths' lyrics on September 12. I read it. I laughed and I tsk'ed at the lack of some obviously devilishly funny lyrics that were left off the list. Buzzfeed has a weird way of being so hilarious at times and being so completely off the mark at others that I wonder if there are any kind of checks and balances to the writing. If no, how do I get a job there?
I felt it only my natural right to post my thoughts on the Smiths' (or is the Smiths's? I don't like the idea of it grammatically being the SMITHSES...ugh, but I also don't like the idea of not putting anything there. There has to be something there, right? These are the things that keep me up at night. That and all of the psychopharmaceuticals).
Without further psychobabble or ado, here are my funniest Smiths' (Smiths's) lyrics in no particular order:
1. "I didn't realize that you wrote poetry. I didn't realize you wrote such really awful poetry." from Frankly, Mr. Shankly, which by itself...could fill a list of ten hilarious lyrics. I have special meaning with this one...because there are so many bad poets out there that fancy themselves deep and mysterious when really they're just, "flatulent pain in the ass(es)."
2. "Hand in glove. The sun shines out of our behinds. No, it's not like any other love, this one is different because it's us." from Hand in Glove. Maybe there's a double-entendre here that I'm missing, but I find that most couples feel this way about their relationships in the very beginning and Morrissey is poking fun at how nauseating it can really be.
3. "A scanty bit of a thing with a decorative ring that wouldn't cover the head of a goose. As Rose collects the money in the canister, who comes sliding down the banister, but Vicar in a tutu. It's not strange. He just wants to live his life this way." from Vicar in a Tutu. How this did not make the list is beyond me. It's about a cross-dressing Vicar for Chrissakes.
4. "This is the last night of the fair, and the grease in the hair of a speedway operator is all a tremulous heart requires. A schoolgirl is denied, she said : "How quickly would I die if I jumped from the top of the parachutes ?" from Rusholme Ruffians (one of my favorites). This is a bit darker, but just as amusing...the seriousness of the teenager and her unrequited love.
5. "...And when I'm lying in bed. I think about life and I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me." from Nowhere fast. There are a lot of darkly funny lyrics in this ("I am a man of means, of slender means."), but I really enjoy Morrissey being able to poke fun at his own "meh," and I think that that's what a lot of Morrissey critics miss. He made fun of himself as much as he did everyone else.
6. "I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday (x2). 'Cause you're evil and you lie and if you should die I may feel slightly sad, (but I won't cry.)" from Unhappy Birthday. How many people can admit that they've never felt this way about someone in their life. Don't even try it.
7. " I don't dream about anyone...except myself." from William, It was Really Nothing. Classic Morrissey.
8. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job. And Heaven knows I'm miserable now!" from Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now. This is another song that has tons of funny lyrics, but I find this one to be the most charmingly clever...or rather, is it that I find this one to be the most relevant?
9. "Keats and Yates are on your side, while Wilde is on mine." from Cemetary Gates. This is another lovely song that isn't necessarily funny, but this is such a cheeky line. What exactly are you trying to say, Morrissey, hmmm?
10. "Past the Pub who saps your body, and the church who'll snatch your money." from The Queen is Dead. This is a bitter, bitter line, but so true and so clever.
Morrissey's solo stuff is full of really clever lines as well, but that's another post for another time when I'm feeling especially energetic.