I realize that not everyone in the world has worked or works at a mall. I realize, too, that some people really enjoy the idea that they're ever-so-slightly better than those of us that must schlepp for pennies at the mall. Even so, going to the mall for purses, jeans, ear piercings, and decorative accessories is something that even the most "Beautiful People" must endure. Now, you've made it to the mall and you've parked your Land Rover/Lexus SUV/Volvo Station Wagon and managed to find the entrance...so, here are some helpful hints from one of "The Little People."
1. If you want to shop free some customer service representatives/sales associates then shop online and get the fuck out of the mall. We are hired by our respective companies to help customers and adhere to a strict customer service model. We are rated, watched, polled, secret-shopped and scrutinized at every turn (and we make less than $10/hour to do it). We are often hanging on a thread by how many credit card applications we can solicit. It's bullshit, but it's business and if we want to make money, we're stuck taking this ridiculous steps to keep our jobs. So throw us a fucking bone and be courteous when we're telling you about our sales, our credit cards and our specials. We're all human beings, so why is your time more valuable than mine?
2. If you know more about the product than I do, why the fuck are you asking me a question? Obviously, you're a god damned genius, so what do you need me for? Those hours and hours of training I've had, paired with working 20+ hours I work at this store per week have probably rendered me a complete idiot compared to your shopping here once a month and knowing absolutely nothing about the business or the product. What was I thinking?
3. I have a family and a personal life, too. It made be hard to believe, but I'm not super excited when you come in and start shopping three minutes before the store closes. I'm not an android that winds down when the doors close. I don't care if you, "just need one thing," or you, "just got-off work." I don't care if you just woke up from a twenty-year coma and really need a candle. I want to go home and take of my shoes. I want to have a coffee and chat with my friends. I want to have the life that you seem to treasure so much...that you can't manage to get to the mall until five minutes before it's scheduled to close.
4. There is nothing that you can purchase at the mall that requires raising your voice. EVER. You can be upset, you can be mad, and you can be irritated, but there is never an instance where yelling at an employee of a fucking store is appropriate. Who do you think you are? No, really. Answer the question.
Some of the things that people have said to me over the years I would not wish on my worst enemy. Well, maybe my worst enemy.
5. Everything that you can purchase at the mall is a luxury. If you can't afford to go to the mall, stay the hell out. The mall is not for browsing or looking without purchasing. That's what a museum is for. If you have a coupon, congratulations, use it and get the fuck out. I'm not interested in falling all over you so you can get 70% off an item that costs ten dollars to begin with.
Now, with these helpful hints, it's really only a matter of time before mall employees could become actual people!