Breaking Up is Hard To Do...Unless There's a Soundtrack

Having NPR as a "friend" on facebook is both informative and amusing.

Among several Valentine's Day articles featured on NPR's Facebook page, Stephen Thompson wrote, "Bitter Pills for Bitter Pills: Five Essential Breakup Songs."

You can read the article here.

Thompson writes about the five stages of the Breakup and the corresponding songs he's paired with these emotions. Thompson's songs are obscure and hipster-y. Meh.

Thompson's analysis is great, but the songs don't really reach a wider audience when they're completely sullied by hipster beards, knit caps, and TOMS. At some point, too, Thompson seems to lose sight of the notion that this is all in good fun. Why is a fake analysis of annoyingly obscure music so serious?

Jessica's Bitter Pills

1. Denial

Styx "Mr. Roboto"

Styx is really in denial about their being a great band. I saw on one of those VH1 classic specials that the lead singer sings with his son's band. My gawd. This song, however, is pretty great. Wait, maybe this isn't the denial Thompson was talking about. Whatever. I stand by this comment.

2. Pettiness

Wednesday 13 "Bad Things"

A truly fantastic piece of music (not really). My favorite lyrics include, "I'd celebrate your wake/I'd bake myself a cake," or, "I want a car to run over your head/put it in reverse and do it again." It doesn't get much more petty than eating pastries at your ex's funeral. If I were to eat a pastry at my ex's funeral, it would probably be something free of powdered sugar. I want to look my best.

3. Self-Pity

Mortiis "Parasite God"

I have an especially large affinity for any Norwegian artist that wears a troll mask, a mummy costume and adds a bit of a 90's industrial flair to his song where he's bold enough to have an "mmhmm" lyric...like he's a sassy black soul singer. Anyway, this song is loaded with self-pity. What could be more pitiful than a man who knows that he's caught in the middle of a love triangle between people wants and needs? Black Metal fans got their black metal panties in a bunch when Mortiis went in this direction, but it's a lot easier to deal with than the ambient dungeon noises. Who the hell really listens to that shit?

4. Fatalistic Self-Pity

The Rolling Stones "Paint it Black"

"Paint it Black" might be my favorite Rolling Stones song. Mick Jagger is pretty positive that everything needs to be black. He wants to "see the sun blotted out from the sky." But Mick...how will I grow basil this summer? Did you even think about that?  

5. Bitterness Masquerading as Acceptance

Marc Almond "Waifs and Strays"

You may not think you know who Marc Almond is until you realize that he was in Soft Cell and he sang, "Tainted Love," that goddamned song you've heard a million goddamned times. Or maybe you'll just wait for me to tell you that. Either way, this song is really great. When I listen to this song all I can think is that there are large drag queens that roam the streets looking for drag queens in training...but in the end, every one's just really desperate. He probably should've used that idea for the music video. I mean, he's wearing a track jacket in this. You couldn't get a blazer or sport coat for your music video? C'mon Marc, you're totally worth a splurge at Brooks Brothers. 

Picking a break-up song is probably as difficult as picking a together song. Always consider this classic,

Okay, don't.