A Swiftly Tilting Planet

I'm forced to listen to a lot of "Adult Album Alternative" when I'm imprisoned in the candle shoppe. While I'm a fan of the occasional song by the Wuss-Rocky, PG-rated all-stars that fill the muzak of stores that are geared toward middle-aged women, I find myself having a really hard time not being offended by the constant barrage of non-offensive music.

That is, except for this (that's actually TOTALLY inappropriate for the candle shoppe):

"Brother Louie" by The Stories is a mix of forbidden love, lust, jungle fever and injustice with a really suggestive soul backdrop and a lot of suggestive lyrics:

She was black as the night
Louie was whiter than white
Danger, danger when you taste brown sugar
Louie fell in love overnight
Nothing bad, it was good
Louie had the best girl he could

When he took her home
To meet his mama and papa
Louie knew just where he stood

Louie Louie Louie, Louie
Louie Louie Lou-I
Louie Louie Louie
Louie Louie you're gonna cry

There he stood in the night
Knowing what's wrong from what's right
He took her home to meet his mama and papa
Man, he had a terrible fright
Louie nearly caused a scene
Wishin' it was a dream
Ain't no diff'rence if you're black or white
Brothers, you know what I mean

"Brother Louie," is by far my favorite muzak song...but I really did, at one point, enjoy listening to Taylor Swift. She seems like a cute and adorable little girl that writes cute and adorable little songs about being in love or stickers or whatever it is that girls like (that song "Mean," is really adorable and is a wonderful way to help kids deal with bullying). On an especially slow day of imprisonment, though, I actually paid attention to the lyrics of Swift's "Fifteen."

Yeah, alright...I'm a little late to complain about a song that's been around long enough to be on candle shoppe muzak, but there are a few of the lyrics in this song that are just infuriating.

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind, and we both cried.

Alright, we know exactly what she's talking about: virginity. Really Taylor Swift? That's all that a fifteen year-old girl has going for her? Where the hell are you from? Saudi Arabia?

One of those senior boys will wink at you and say, "You know I haven't seen you around before."

Where did you go to high school, Taylor Swift? If boys in high school had anywhere NEAR this kind of game, I wouldn't have had a boyfriend when I was seventeen that was ten years older than me with a kid, a rap sheet and a huge line of bullshit.

This is life before you know who you're supposed to be.

Really? You know, I'm a lot older than Taylor Swift and I still have a hard time dealing with the notion that I'm actually old enough to be allowed to drive a car (I woke up the other day and swore I was like nine). I'm irritated that I'm supposed to have it all figured out between the ages of 18-30 (including purchasing a house that all my friends will like, having a fucking baby and sitting at a job I hate for forty hours a week), and if I don't...I'm some kind of loser/bum that isn't worth the paper that my birth certificate was printed upon.    

Taylor Swift, c'mon now. What're you like...twenty? You get dumped by John Mayer, dated Taylor Lautner and one of the Jonas Brothers and all of the sudden you're a wise old sage? Much like all of these singing/songwriting girls, you need to release a Christmas Album, a fragrance and then fade slowly into relative obscurity whilst having wisely invested your money. Even Karen Allen knows when it's time to hang-up acting and create a knitting company.