Fall Calls for Pie Day!

So yesterday was Pie Day. I think that the majority of people that read this blog are also friends with me on Facebook, so they've seen the official Pie Day photo:

 Please stand back from the glow of Pie Day, because its radiance may burn you. 

Pie Day consisted of making pie crusts, cutting up vegetables for chicken pot pie (the best food in the world), making copious amounts of pumpkin filling for one GIANT pumpkin pie, and of course eating pie and drinking too much black coffee. I don't have a pie and coffee tattoo for nothing kids:

To be truthful, I have a pie and coffee tattoo because I love "Twin Peaks," pie, and coffee, but for the intent and purpose of this blog post as well as those that don't know of the show, this is just a bangin' representation of my love affair with the pastry and filling arts.

The first day of Autumn seems like the perfect time to celebrate a day like this, but it was totally accidental. My husband and my parents were bringing in wood for the furnace, and I'm MUCH too fragile to do something like that, so I was in charge of the pie crusts and beginning to make pot pie. I was wearing a sweater, it was slightly brisk and there were big and fluffy autumn clouds in the sky that replaced the haze of the humid summer sun. It was the perfect time to fire up the oven and bring back the pie-making season from it's sticky-summer hiatus. I hadn't made crusts in a while, so I felt a little rusty, but by batch two, I could easily have made a dozen more batches. I read somewhere that decent bakers are born and not made, but I feel like with this recipe the former doesn't always have to be the case (thankfully for the rest of us that must get by with our Grams' recipes and a nanobyte of their talent and patience). 

My Gram gave me her love for pie and all things tasty, some skill with which to create these tasty things, and she gave me her figure (gee thanks, lady.) Something else she gave me, though, was a pie crust recipe that cannot be beat by anything that I've ever seen. The woman lived by this recipe and it's ability to create a pie crust that will not get tough no matter how much you handle the dough. It's genius. It's divinely-inspired. It might be slightly satanic (okay...it's not), but it's also the secret to any pie that I've ever made in my life. The fillings are the fillings, but the crust...honey chile, that's what makes a pie more than pudding or stewed fruit. 

If I share this recipe, you have to promise to use it. No excuses and don't argue with the directions. 

"Fool"Proof Pie Crust

4 Cups Flour

1 3/4 cup Crisco (regular or butter flavored...if you like butter, use the butter flavored)

2 teaspoons salt

1 Tablespoon sugar 

1 Tablespoon vinegar

1 egg

1/2 Cup cold water

Mix together the flour, salt and sugar. Cut in Crisco until crumbly (use a pastry blender if you're averse to getting your hands dirty, but I've been watching way too much "Two Fat Ladies," lately and I want to do everything by hand). In a separate bowl, whisk egg, then add vinegar and water and mix together. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix until you get a big ole pastry ball. Flatten it out and cut into four equal parts, then make those parts into pastry patties. Freeze for a heck of a long time...or at least chill in the fridge for half an hour before using. The waiting is the hardest part...Tom Petty said so.

There you have it. Make your own "Damn Fine" Pie Day. 

Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ: The Smiths' 10 Funniest Lyrics.

A Buzzfeed Community member posted the 10 funniest Smiths' lyrics on September 12. I read it. I laughed and I tsk'ed at the lack of some obviously devilishly funny lyrics that were left off the list. Buzzfeed has a weird way of being so hilarious at times and being so completely off the mark at others that I wonder if there are any kind of checks and balances to the writing. If no, how do I get a job there?

I felt it only my natural right to post my thoughts on the Smiths' (or is the Smiths's? I don't like the idea of it grammatically being the SMITHSES...ugh, but I also don't like the idea of not putting anything there. There has to be something there, right? These are the things that keep me up at night. That and all of the psychopharmaceuticals).

Without further psychobabble or ado, here are my funniest Smiths' (Smiths's) lyrics in no particular order:

1. "I didn't realize that you wrote poetry. I didn't realize you wrote such really awful poetry." from Frankly, Mr. Shankly, which by itself...could fill a list of ten hilarious lyrics. I have special meaning with this one...because there are so many bad poets out there that fancy themselves deep and mysterious when really they're just, "flatulent pain in the ass(es)."

2. "Hand in glove. The sun shines out of our behinds. No, it's not like any other love, this one is different because it's us." from Hand in Glove. Maybe there's a double-entendre here that I'm missing, but I find that most couples feel this way about their relationships in the very beginning and Morrissey is poking fun at how nauseating it can really be.

3. "A scanty bit of a thing with a decorative ring that wouldn't cover the head of a goose. As Rose collects the money in the canister, who comes sliding down the banister, but Vicar in a tutu. It's not strange. He just wants to live his life this way."  from Vicar in a Tutu. How this did not make the list is beyond me. It's about a cross-dressing Vicar for Chrissakes.

4. "This is the last night of the fair, and the grease in the hair of a speedway operator is all a tremulous heart requires.  A schoolgirl is denied, she said : "How quickly would I die if I jumped from the top of the parachutes ?" from Rusholme Ruffians (one of my favorites). This is a bit darker, but just as amusing...the seriousness of the teenager and her unrequited love. 

5. "...And when I'm lying in bed. I think about life and I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me." from Nowhere fast. There are a lot of darkly funny lyrics in this ("I am a man of means, of slender means."), but I really enjoy Morrissey being able to poke fun at his own "meh," and I think that that's what a lot of Morrissey critics miss. He made fun of himself as much as he did everyone else. 

6. "I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday (x2). 'Cause you're evil and you lie and if you should die I may feel slightly sad, (but I won't cry.)" from Unhappy Birthday. How many people can admit that they've never felt this way about someone in their life. Don't even try it.

7. " I don't dream about anyone...except myself." from William, It was Really Nothing. Classic Morrissey.

8. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job. And Heaven knows I'm miserable now!" from Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now. This is another song that has tons of funny lyrics, but I find this one to be the most charmingly clever...or rather, is it that I find this one to be the most relevant?

9. "Keats and Yates are on your side, while Wilde is on mine." from Cemetary Gates. This is another lovely song that isn't necessarily funny, but this is such a cheeky line. What exactly are you trying to say, Morrissey, hmmm?

10. "Past the Pub who saps your body, and the church who'll snatch your money."  from The Queen is Dead. This is a bitter, bitter line, but so true and so clever. 

Morrissey's solo stuff is full of really clever lines as well, but that's another post for another time when I'm feeling especially energetic. 

Ta!

Dreamin' : American Style

When Dustin was in Iraq, he got paid on the 10th of every month. It was hard, at first, to only get paid once a month and honestly I hated the 9th more than any day of the month. After a while, though, it was easy to fall into a routine of paying the bills on the 10th, putting so much into the savings account (a laughable thought now) and knowing that I had so many dollars until the 10th rolled around again. I grew to love that routine. I grew to cherish my ability to make it work to the point where the 9th became my most loved day of the month, because there was still plenty of money left to live, or to put away, or to possibly spend on something frivolous (what?!).
After 18 months of Dustin's contract in Iraq, we had amassed some wares that we had only dreamed of: a car that actually ran, bedroom furniture that wasn't broken and older than me, a digital camera from this decade, a basic-level e-reader, and a mediocre laptop that allowed Dustin to stay in touch with me from the desert and prevented him from completely going batshit crazy whilst confined to a base in the middle of a war-torn country. These things aren't luxuries to most people, but when I get up every morning and see a new wardrobe in my bedroom, I'm still slightly amazed that I was fiscally able and actually allowed to go to a store, pick out what I wanted, and buy it with cash that I had in my checking account. Since I struck out on my own with Dustin, I was sure that something as seemingly small as this would be for other people, as if Ikea was a place for us to buy candles and lingonberries, but nothing else. This is the stuff of which American dreams are made, right?
These are not crazy credit purchases like my the people my age are making: houses that are too large for their families with mortgages that they can barely afford, cars that are shiny status symbols with names like Audi, Saab or Acura, and clothes and bedding from Pottery Barn and Jack and Jill for their toddlers that are too young to know the difference (or care) between items from these overpriced chain boutiques and those that came from the Salvation Army's half-price day (the greatest day of the week, by the way). I felt a little smug about my own sense of restraint at my age: about paying our credit cards (fixtures of time when money was completely gone) down instead of racking them up, paying over on my student loan bills so that maybe I could have them paid off before I retired, working full-time at a temp job that I hated when I didn't technically "need," to because money was okay for once.

I felt like a real adult singing, "you're going to make it after all!"

When Dustin got home from Iraq, he was on unemployment for a decent amount of time, but it was okay. The savings was there, he made as much as one could make on unemployment and we were living modestly and even managed to pay off one of Dustin's student loans in this time (hooray!). Then Dustin got a job with a company that repairs large pieces of equipment for an hourly sum that was laughable to someone with his skill and experience. It was okay, though, they assured him, it wouldn't always be like this and they could see him rising through the ranks of the company, and let's face it, no one was beating down the door to give him a job that paid what he deserved. I got hired on full-time at my temp job and got a "raise," that made our pays about equal. We lived, but I could feel myself drilling down, down and further down into the seemingly endless depths of depression (a result of a job that I loathed) that only a fierce cocktail of psychopharmaceuticals rescue me from. I had doctor's co-pays, hospital bills, pharmacy co-pay after co-pay and the 70% of nothing that comes from a three week stint of Short-Term Disability. The first weeks of this year were a mess...a mess that I'm not sure we'll ever recover from.

The late winter was rough but the summer seems to be rougher. The savings is low now, a result of buying groceries, paying credit card bills, and having a fussy feline that needed 1,000 dollars worth of medical care and now requires prescription food and a eagle-eye to make sure that he doesn't die.I got a new job within my company, but it pays less when you factor in all of the overtime I'm not working. But I should be glad, right? My time is so valuable that I should cherish not working thirteen hour days and crying at my desk, RIGHT?!

Let's face reality: my time has become increasingly less valuable as these hot months roll on and by back-to-school, I may be hocking school shoes or bookbags three nights a week at some crappy retail job to compensate. Who needs sleep anyway?

Maybe I should've bought a bunch of things that I couldn't afford so that at least I'd have the things to fall back on instead of having a stack of bills that have a decent chunk taken from them, but are nowhere near paid-off. Maybe my age group has it all right: buy now, figure it out later and leave the debt for your toddlers.

Maybe I shouldn't have treated myself to that makeup two years ago.

The choices that I have to make now for Dustin and I are those that two people that make well above minimum wage should never have to make. How long can I go without that prescription? What happens if we consistently eat carbohydrates because they're cheaper than vegetables and fruit? That medical procedure isn't absolutely necessary, is it? I'm more inclined to believe that this really is the stuff of which American Dreams are made.

Girl, Be Not Proud

Today I did something that I'm not proud of (that is, besides ending this sentence in a preposition).

I was in the company bathroom and a woman right beside me had deodorant lines completely marking the sides of her perfectly pressed black skirt, like little wispy roads. No one had told her. I could tell. She went about washing her hands and drying them complacently without a care in the world as to the marring of her suit. This smart suit with black hose, black patent pumps and a crispy white shirt. A bob-do settled atop her middle-aged head with a smartness (again) that comes with many years of hassling with ponytails and long locks. She was just. so. smart.

Too smart.

Just looking at her face filled me with a rage that comes with seeing someone just too smug for their own good. A flood of thoughts raced through my mind in two seconds and deduced themselves into one action: I didn't tell her.

I didn't tell her.

I'm not proud. I should've taken the high road (cliche alert!) and whispered in her ear. I should've gone to her woman-to-woman and told her about her accidental faux pas. I should've "helped a sister out," but I didn't, and I'm sorry for it now.

Why do we, as human beings, look at a person and think that we know everything of their existence within one second? Why are we so mean? Strike that...why was I so mean?

Twenty-First Century Jokes

A lazy Sunday afternoon watching a Futurama marathon comprised of episodes I’ve seen fifty times isn’t exactly the most productive way to spend a day, BUT there’s no shame in my game, yo.

During the commercials, the trailer for, “Identity Theft,” appeared before for me for the first time. The basic premise is that a businessman’s identity (Jason Bateman) is stolen by a harmless-looking woman (Melissa McCarthy of “Mike and Molly,” fame) and shenanigans and chicanery ensue.  Anyone who hasn’t been in a coma for the last few years knows that, “Mike and Molly,” and thusly Melissa McCarthy have been the target of ill-placed fame for being a show about “two fatties in love.” In fact, one journalist thought it her place to tell everyone in the world about how disgusting it was that a show like this would portray fat people being happy enough with themselves to love someone else. 

Anyway, there's a spot in the trailer where the beautifully lithe dancer-looking girlfriend (you know, she doesn't look quite White, Black, Latino, Indian or Asian, but she's "hot," and totally sweet in a messy bun and leggings) compares McCarthy's character to a hobbit and Bateman so sassily quips, "I'm goin' after Bilbo." Et tu, McCarthy and Bateman? Another fat joke? Another wacky comedy at the expense of the fat lady? 

I know that Krusty the Clown has made a career out of this kind of thing for Simpsons fans everywhere, but fat jokes are about as hilarious and cutting-edge as the flapping dickie or the The Three Stooges eye poke. Not only are they not funny because I'm fat, they're not funny in spite of the fact that I'm fat. 

Fat jokes have become the easiest way to criticize someone's physical appearance without being seen as cruel or shallow. In fact, fat jokes have often been laid on the line as a way to "help," fat people realize that they're in the middle of a medical crisis. A newscaster in Minnesota or Wisconsin or somewhere cold and snowy got made an amazing rebuttal to a "concerned viewer," that thought that she was setting a bad example for her female viewers. It is my hope that women like Jennifer can stay as classy and respectful as she has in her rebuttal instead of lowering herself to the level of the redundant funny fat lady laughing with the bullies. It's no place to be, Melissa McCarthy.

The next time I see a girl wearing high heels, I'll remember to call her a disgusting street-walking prostitute out of concern for her foot health. I mean why not? It's the same thing. 

Fat jokes don't hurt just the fat lady, they hurt the fat lady's husband/wife/partner, her children, her family and her friends. Fat jokes will usually get an eye roll from any fat lady that's confident enough in herself to realize how base and stupid they are, but fat jokes will invoke shame from those that aren't strong enough to see through to the heart of their maker. 

Do you want to show a fat person some concern? Befriend them. Get to know their story and encourage whatever path to good health they may travel. Give a little love. 

"It's so easy to laugh. It's so easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind."

Fifty Shades of Jessica: Part One

So Facebook has this thang called the "50 Day song Challenge." Everyday you post a song that has a theme that is pre-designated by Mark Zuckerberg. That last part is a lie, but it's fun to make up lies.
Anyway, there's no reason that this shit needs to take 50 days. I can bang this out in a blog post or two.

I found a list that I liked better on www.musicfrombigpink.wordpress.com, and I stole it, but I didn't steal the songs, I promise.

Day 01 – A song from the first album you ever bought: "All that She Wants," by Ace of Base. This album was unstoppable. Act like you didn't own a copy. G'head. Impossible.

Day 02 – Your favorite single anthem: "Take Off To The Great White North," by Geddy Lee. This is not an anthem per se, but it is a beacon of light for the people of Canada. 

Day 03 – Your favorite title track from an album: "First and Last and Always," by The Sisters of Mercy.

Day 04 – A song by a band or artist you’ve seen live: " Lonesome Train Whistle," by The Reverend Horton Heat. In fact, I just saw them on Thursday night and this song rocked my socks right off, along with their version of Faron Young's single (written by Willie Nelson), "Hello Walls." I'm currently a rock n' roll/rockabilly/psychobilly fanatic. 

Day 05 – A song from your childhood: "It's You I like," by Mister Rogers. This was going to be my wedding song for the longest time...until I got married without a wedding and became really goth (on the inside. No need to dress like a bat to be goth) and wanted Echo and the Bunnymen's, "Nocturnal Me." ha.

Day 06 – A song by your favorite band/artist: "Still Ill," by The Smiths. This was the first Smiths' song that I fully connected with. That I said, "This bloke Morrissey is writing what I'm feeling." 

Day 07 – A favorite song that was used on a TV series: "The Christmas Song," by The Raveonettes. I hate the OC, but their Christmas albums are fantastic!

Day 08 – Your most played song on iTunes: "Bring on the Dancing Horses,"  by Echo and the Bunnymen. *le sigh* it is so beautiful.

Day 09 – Favorite new release: "Lights," by Ellie Goulding. At least, I think that that's her name. This song makes me want to dance my pants off.

Day 10 – An awesome driving song:  "Breakin' the Law," by Judas Priest. I don't really have to explain why this is the best song to drive to, ever.

Day 11 – A song that’s amazing live: I think that the only version of Bob Seger's, "Turn the Page," that anyone has ever heard is the live version. Is there a regular version? Does anyone care? A close second is, "Death of a Disco Dancer," by The Smiths. That is, at least when I saw Morrissey sing it in 2009. *swoon*
Day 12 – A song that makes you laugh: "I'm just a Gigolo," by David Lee Roth. Mister Dustin and I have a very secret reason for liking this one, that still makes me lol, officially, when I hear this song.

Day 13 – A song with incredible lyrics: "The Devil's Crayon," by Wild Beasts. 

This truly is the devil's answer 
Carved from the tongue of this romancer 
This truly is the devil's answer 
The oldest children used to kiss 

And we are so many clambering hands 
And we are so many clambering hands 

Day 14 – A song off an album that has brilliant cover art: "Run to the Hills," by Iron Maiden's album The Number of the Beast. Which is probably one of the greatest Metal songs that has ever been crafted, with one of the most iconic metal characters that has ever been crafter. Bruce Dickinson is my favorite super hero.

Day 15 –Your favorite TV theme tune  Your favorite song from a movie soundtrack: "Danger Zone," by Kenny Loggins...as featured in the soundtrack for Top Gun. Yessssss... A close second was every song on the Hot Rod Soundtrack, which is basically Europe's, "The Final Countdown."

Day 16 – A song that reminds you of a holiday: "Round and Round," by Ratt. This is probably my favorite holiday song because it was featured in the credits of "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy's" Christmas Special.

Day 17 – A song that makes you think of a family member: "Let Your Love Flow," By The Bellamy Brothers. We used the lyrics to this one on the remembrance cards at my Grandmother's Memorial Service. It was kind of her take on life. The contentment of the life that you've been dealt.

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean
It's the season

And let your love fly like a bird on the wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean
That's the reason

Day 18 – A song you never get sick of hearing  Your favorite piece of classical music: Is this considered classical music? "Rhapsody in  Blue," reminds me of a Special Lady and a special family and will be a classic for me for the rest of my life. 

Day 19 – A guilty pleasure: "He Loves You Not," By Dream. Don't you judge me. I already hate myself.

Day 20 – A song you can’t help but sing along to: Although the aforementioned song is pretty irresistible  Every time that I hear Sweet's, "Ballroom Blitz," I tend to scream at the top of my lungs. you can't help but not. 

Day 21 – A song that reminds you of a close friend: "Summer Girls," By LFO. This is a shout-out to my good friend Vanessa. 

Day 22 – A song you play when you want to relax Your favorite sad bastard song: "Fairytale of New York," by The Pogues. Dear lord, the tears just roll down my face when this one comes one. 

Day 23 – A song you play before a night out: When I was an young buck (was I a buck, no I suppose I was a young doe. Is that a term?) that went out on Saturday nights, I couldn't really afford to go,  so we would heavily pre-game the evening and then drive as fast as we could to the bar at 11pm. The song that often played on the car radio? "Hey Mama," by The Black-Eyed Peas. I apologize for nothing! 

Day 24 – A song from a band/artist you’ve just ‘discovered’   A song from a band that no one's ever heard of: "Gay Bar," By The Electric Six. Alright, maybe five people have heard of it, but it's a thrill-ride of non-stop awesomeness.

Day 25 – A song off of the last album you bought/ last track you downloaded: "Romance," by Wild Flag. That might not be the last album that I bought, but that song rules pretty darn hard and last year's Wild Flag album made the top of a lot of critics' lists last year.

Day 26 – A song no one would expect you to love: "Ballroom Blitz," by Sweet. Normally, I'm not the biggest fan of Glam and Butt Rock, but this song is so insanely dancy that I want to FREAK OUT! I've referenced it in a previous post about songs that I dance to whilst driving.

Day 27 – A song you would sing at a karaoke bar: A song that I HAVE sung at a karaoke bar is, "Milkshake," by Kelis. More than once, actually.

Day 28 - A song you love for its lyrics:  I didn't realize that this song was XTC until Mister Dustin pointed it out to me. XTC has never really gotten the credit that they deserve for excellent song writing and excellent music. There are a lot of songs with lyrics that I can relate or connect to, but this one is just so poignant.

 Dear God

Hope You get the letter

And I pray You can make it better

Down here

I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer

But all the people that You made in your image

See them starving on their feet

'Cause they don't get enough to eat 

From God

I can't believe in You

Dear God

Sorry to disturb 

You but I feel that I should be heard 

Loud and clear

We all need a big reduction in amount of tears

And all the people that You made in Your image

See them fighting in the street

'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God

I can't believe in You

Did You make disease and the diamond blue?

Did You make mankind after we made You?

And the devil too?

Dear God

Don't know if you noticed 

But Your name is on a lot of quotes in 

This book

Us crazy humans wrote it, You should take a look

And all the people that You made in your image

Still believing that junk is true

Well I know it ain't, and so do You

Dear God

I can't believe in...

I don't believe...

I won't believe in heaven and hell

No saints, no sinners, no devil as well

No pearly gates, no thorny crown

You're always letting us humans down

The wars You bring, the babes You drown

Those lost at sea and never found

And it's the same the whole world 'round

The hurt I see helps to compound

That Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Is just somebody's unholy hoax

And if You're up there You'll perceive

That my heart's here upon my sleeve

If there's one thing I don't believe in

It's you

Dear God 

That's a place to finish it up. There's nothing more to say.

Smash it Up Sunday

Today is, "National Metal Day," according to VH1 classic. This has been celebrated by a countdown list that goes on for ten hours. TEN HOURS of a show being hosted by Fozzy (they're awful. Just awful. Don't believe me? You asked for it. Go ahead and watch that video) frontman and "Professional Wrestler," Chris Jericho. Feh.

When douchebag is finally coined by Merriam-Webster, there's going to be a picture of this asshole right next to Christian Audigier (to bring you up to speed, it's the guy that "designs," Ed Hardy clothing).

Anywho, much like every other list that VH1 classic cobbles together, I can't really manage to express via the written word how disappointed I am that this is the best that fans could come up with. Clearly if the electoral college needed to be established to tell voters who they wanted to for president, then clearly there should be some gate-keeping to keep people from themselves. In fact, I haven't even looked at the entire list until now, in hopes that I can express my initial discontent for two readers that might be interested in this (my husband being one of them).

I have a hard time understand what VH1 was classifying as, "Hard Rock." Is it because a guitar is involved? Is it because there would be a slightly chance that you'd bang your head? Clearly, some criterion must've been reached, and then the voters took a dump on them. I don't think that the complete list is out yet, but I did find one from 2009 that really grinds my gears.

Aside from yelling at the television (thanks Gram, I really needed to pick up that trait from you), I've also amassing things for my smash book.

Like a lot of the pen-palling  paper-crazed crafters out there, I purchased a smash book, but unlike a lot of paper-crazed, pen-pallers out there, I seem to have no idea as to how to get started. Right now, I have a bunch of cards, postcards, letters, ticket stubs, fortunes, name cards, buttons that are sitting between the blank pages of this book, waiting to be inspiring for me, but I just can't seem to figure out how to put it all together. Being drawn in by all of the accessories and the doo-dads that go along with it is an easy slippery slope, but so far, I've just purchased the book and a few tags. There are entire sites dedicated to how to create a Smash book that emulates your personality or to show-off how amazing adorable some people are at smashing their lives into the pages of a book, but so far I suppose my smash book is a lot like my life, half-finished and bursting at the seams with all of the things that I wished I would've said and done to make everything pretty and witty and light.

My favorite line in Louisa May Alcott's, Little Women says, "I should've been a great many things, Mister Mayor."